Tonight I found out that our social worker called Jonathan yesterday.... He still hasn't turned in his autobiography. I know he is busy and I am really trying not to push, but I am growing more and more aggrevated. The entire purpose of pursuing adoption is so that we could have a family... and I think that hurts my feelings more than anything. It just doesn't seem important to him. I think it is important to him... I am just upset.
On top of that one of my closest friends is having a baby shower tomorrow. I am excited for her and nervous for me. We'll see how it goes.
In the mean time, pray that my husband understands my frustration and tries to destress.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I'm not even sure how to start this post. First, I realize that there is really no one reading it because I have not publicized it or anything. I also know that currently this blog is mostly therapy for me. More than anything else worldy... I want a baby. I would love to either be pregnant or to adopt a child. My situation is that my body is not cooperating on the pregnancy part and my husband is so overwhelmed with his school and work stuff, that the autobiography needed to precede with the adoption is at the back of his mind.
I don't want to push him. This morning, I left my lunch at home. While I was talking to him on my drive to school, he said he would bring it to me. He is so tired. I saw it in his eyes when he came to the school this morning. It made me want to cry that he is so stressed and tired I can see it on his face. If I haven't mentioned it before, Jonathan is a paramedic and works 24 hour shifts. He is also a pastor, going to school to get his preaching license, and working on his B.S. I wish I knew of a way to encourage him without making him feel like I was pushing.
I'm probably a little hormonal too... I have the worst cycle of my life. It was only a week or so after my HCG shot, which meant the shot was late. And I have had the worst back and abdomen pain. Hopefully, this means that the large cyst has ruptured and that we are on the right track.
All of this added with a friend coming tomorrow (and my house is a wreck) and all the rain that we have had over the last 3 weeks has dampened my spirits. Perhaps once the house gets clean (today) and the sun comes out (tomorrow) my mood and spirits will pick up too. It was so bad yesterday that I almost "accused" my sister (also my best friend) of being pregnant and not telling me.
I am trying to focus on the positive... for instance... the school board approved a science camp trip that I have wanted to do for years. It is finally going to happen and I am super excited about that. Between that and Crop Connection, I am going to focus on those worldly things and focus on my relationship with God. I know He is working in our situation... I just can't seem to figure out how.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
I don't want to push him. This morning, I left my lunch at home. While I was talking to him on my drive to school, he said he would bring it to me. He is so tired. I saw it in his eyes when he came to the school this morning. It made me want to cry that he is so stressed and tired I can see it on his face. If I haven't mentioned it before, Jonathan is a paramedic and works 24 hour shifts. He is also a pastor, going to school to get his preaching license, and working on his B.S. I wish I knew of a way to encourage him without making him feel like I was pushing.
I'm probably a little hormonal too... I have the worst cycle of my life. It was only a week or so after my HCG shot, which meant the shot was late. And I have had the worst back and abdomen pain. Hopefully, this means that the large cyst has ruptured and that we are on the right track.
All of this added with a friend coming tomorrow (and my house is a wreck) and all the rain that we have had over the last 3 weeks has dampened my spirits. Perhaps once the house gets clean (today) and the sun comes out (tomorrow) my mood and spirits will pick up too. It was so bad yesterday that I almost "accused" my sister (also my best friend) of being pregnant and not telling me.
I am trying to focus on the positive... for instance... the school board approved a science camp trip that I have wanted to do for years. It is finally going to happen and I am super excited about that. Between that and Crop Connection, I am going to focus on those worldly things and focus on my relationship with God. I know He is working in our situation... I just can't seem to figure out how.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Friday, January 11, 2013
Hard Day
As the title indicates, today has not been great. Yesterday I had lots of lower back pain and a little lower abdomen pain. I was hopeful that it was because of a baby. Jonathan worked a 48 hour shift... and I never sleep well when he is gone. Last night I woke up several times because of nightmares. I am not going into them because, honestly, to relive them would not be mentally beneficial to me.
I digress... I was super tired getting to school today. Of course, we had our first "Lock Down Drill." All the kids had hundreds of questions. It was tiresome just trying to prepare them in case the worst ever happens. Amid all of this drama, my body decides to start. All I kept thinking was that I had to wait until I got home to break down.
The day never seemed to end. Finally. Time to go home... and then to a meeting at church. I halfway had myself convinced it was just implantation bleeding (especially since I just took the shot 8 days ago to cause me to ovulate). I went to the meeting (which is great and will not conclude until tomorrow), then a little WalMart browsing with the hubs, and then home. Still no breakdown. I was pretty pleased with myself.
Then it happened. During the middle of the 90's movie "The Mighty Ducks" I lost it. The boohooing and everything. I think it scares Jon when that happens. Oh well, that is just me I guess. He tried to reassure me that we would have a baby... someway or another.
At this point, I am so tired that I have lost the will to cry. It takes way too much effort. I am going to bed right now I think. I'll am thinking that this weekend I will work on my "Affording a Baby" or "Affording an Adoption" post.
Hope your baby travels bring you back safely.
I digress... I was super tired getting to school today. Of course, we had our first "Lock Down Drill." All the kids had hundreds of questions. It was tiresome just trying to prepare them in case the worst ever happens. Amid all of this drama, my body decides to start. All I kept thinking was that I had to wait until I got home to break down.
The day never seemed to end. Finally. Time to go home... and then to a meeting at church. I halfway had myself convinced it was just implantation bleeding (especially since I just took the shot 8 days ago to cause me to ovulate). I went to the meeting (which is great and will not conclude until tomorrow), then a little WalMart browsing with the hubs, and then home. Still no breakdown. I was pretty pleased with myself.
Then it happened. During the middle of the 90's movie "The Mighty Ducks" I lost it. The boohooing and everything. I think it scares Jon when that happens. Oh well, that is just me I guess. He tried to reassure me that we would have a baby... someway or another.
At this point, I am so tired that I have lost the will to cry. It takes way too much effort. I am going to bed right now I think. I'll am thinking that this weekend I will work on my "Affording a Baby" or "Affording an Adoption" post.
Hope your baby travels bring you back safely.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
So it feels like a long time since I posted, but it was only a couple of days ago. School is back in session and we are almost in full swing. That keeps me pretty busy. Jonathan is working a 48 hour shift tonight, but that puts him off for 4 days! Looking forward to a conference at our home church and a relaxing rest of the weekend.
As far as the adoption goes.... we are still waiting on Jon to finish the autobiography. But, he has made progress! I agreed to hem his pants last night (after 9) if he would work on the autobiography. Though it was delayed some, he did work on it. His goal is to have it finished by the end of his shift! Sounds like a great goal to me!
Conception...well, it is a wait and see game. At this point I should have ovulated and we have completed our "schedule." I'll either start, won't start and will have to take progesterone to start, or will be pregnant. I'm hoping for the later. It will still be a couple of weeks before I should test, but it is so tempting.
With Jonathan gone for a bit, I am hoping to post later tonight or tomorrow about how we are trying to finance this adoption. Until then, we wait :)
*Addition: I decided to have a quiet night watching The Waltons after church. The two episodes that aired.... the first was when Olivia got pregnant and lost the baby. The second was when a lady struggled but couldn't have a baby and eventually adopted a small child. Let's just say that the waterworks have been turned on.
As far as the adoption goes.... we are still waiting on Jon to finish the autobiography. But, he has made progress! I agreed to hem his pants last night (after 9) if he would work on the autobiography. Though it was delayed some, he did work on it. His goal is to have it finished by the end of his shift! Sounds like a great goal to me!
Conception...well, it is a wait and see game. At this point I should have ovulated and we have completed our "schedule." I'll either start, won't start and will have to take progesterone to start, or will be pregnant. I'm hoping for the later. It will still be a couple of weeks before I should test, but it is so tempting.
With Jonathan gone for a bit, I am hoping to post later tonight or tomorrow about how we are trying to finance this adoption. Until then, we wait :)
*Addition: I decided to have a quiet night watching The Waltons after church. The two episodes that aired.... the first was when Olivia got pregnant and lost the baby. The second was when a lady struggled but couldn't have a baby and eventually adopted a small child. Let's just say that the waterworks have been turned on.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
The Weekend's End
Have you ever had one of those weekends that you thought would never end? Well, we started out that way this weekend. Jonathan and I were both edgy. He has been stressed to the max and I have no idea what was wrong with me. But, by the end of yesterday we were arguing about not knowing what we were arguing about. I'll say this about infertility... it stresses a couple out. But, if you can handle the hard times, it will just make you closer.
That's how we feel everytime we have an arguement. Today has been great! We had a great morning at church, relaxing afternoon, good service tonight, and are now watching a little Food Network together. Jon got some stress relief this afternoon cooking ribs on his Big Easy Grill (Thanks to my parents for the grill and my sister and brother in law for the rib hooks and rub). I have been getting stuff ready for a scrapbooking weekend in a couple of weeks. It has turned out to be a very great day indeed!
I was talking to my mom this afternoon... honestly because I didn't feel like talking to a soul yesterday. And she had some great news! A couple-friend of the family who has been struggling with infertility for about 7 years, adopted a set of twin girls just recently. The story was amazing. They got a phone call from a local person saying these children were up for adoption. This couple was living in a small home while they were preparing to build. A house opened up within days of finding out about the girls. It is truly a "God thing" that this family has been united! We are so happy for them!
It is just a reminder that God works in ways that we don't understand.
When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to THE ROCK that is higher than I! Psalm 61:2
That's how we feel everytime we have an arguement. Today has been great! We had a great morning at church, relaxing afternoon, good service tonight, and are now watching a little Food Network together. Jon got some stress relief this afternoon cooking ribs on his Big Easy Grill (Thanks to my parents for the grill and my sister and brother in law for the rib hooks and rub). I have been getting stuff ready for a scrapbooking weekend in a couple of weeks. It has turned out to be a very great day indeed!
I was talking to my mom this afternoon... honestly because I didn't feel like talking to a soul yesterday. And she had some great news! A couple-friend of the family who has been struggling with infertility for about 7 years, adopted a set of twin girls just recently. The story was amazing. They got a phone call from a local person saying these children were up for adoption. This couple was living in a small home while they were preparing to build. A house opened up within days of finding out about the girls. It is truly a "God thing" that this family has been united! We are so happy for them!
It is just a reminder that God works in ways that we don't understand.
When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to THE ROCK that is higher than I! Psalm 61:2
Friday, January 4, 2013
I don't have much to say tonight.... But, I am having a few blood pressure issues. Jonathan thinks maybe its the HCG shot that is causing a spike in BP all of the sudden. I hope so. I am exercising... some, cutting back on my diet sodas, and trying to destress. If it is not down by the middle of next week, I am going to call the Dr. Praying that this works itself out.
*Note: After the original post, I did some googleing and a common side effect of the HCG injection is high blood pressure. So, I feel some better.
*Note: After the original post, I did some googleing and a common side effect of the HCG injection is high blood pressure. So, I feel some better.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Adoption Tax Credit
I get these emails from Lifeline that update us on certain issues, give encouragement, and inform us of opportunities that may benefit us. Today the email I received was terrific news. According to the National Council for Adoption, Congress has extended the adoption tax credit! From what I understand, the adoption tax credit will be permanently extended and will be in the amount of $10,000 for those families making less than $150,000 a year. If you have ever looked into the cost of adoption, the low estimate is around $20,000. The upper end is closer to $50,000. This is such great news for us. Financial planning has been and is an obstacle for us. I'll talk more about some of our plans in a future post. For the moment, I am just rejoicing in the moment. Thank you Lord!
On a different note, those of you who know anything about fertility drugs and the HCG injections, know that Jonathan and I have to have a certain routine. And because of his work schedule on weekdays, we really have to stay on the schedule. Well, last night I had a mini break down. And I think I can say that Jonathan did too. All of the sudden, what is supposed to be enjoyable between husband and wife, became a chore. We've had this feeling before, but last night was bad. We took a little time, talked to each other, listened to each other, and I think we both prayed silently as we tried to figure out how to relax. Just as quickly as the tenseness started, it also ended. What a blessing! God was truly guiding our conversations and I am thankful for that.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, my students come back from Christmas Holidays. We are on the block so I will get a whole new group and 1 new subject. I am nervously excited... as always. One of the things that intrigues me is how each group of students interact with each other. I always seem to find out more about each child everyday as they learn and interact. Will let you know tomorrow how it goes!
On a different note, those of you who know anything about fertility drugs and the HCG injections, know that Jonathan and I have to have a certain routine. And because of his work schedule on weekdays, we really have to stay on the schedule. Well, last night I had a mini break down. And I think I can say that Jonathan did too. All of the sudden, what is supposed to be enjoyable between husband and wife, became a chore. We've had this feeling before, but last night was bad. We took a little time, talked to each other, listened to each other, and I think we both prayed silently as we tried to figure out how to relax. Just as quickly as the tenseness started, it also ended. What a blessing! God was truly guiding our conversations and I am thankful for that.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, my students come back from Christmas Holidays. We are on the block so I will get a whole new group and 1 new subject. I am nervously excited... as always. One of the things that intrigues me is how each group of students interact with each other. I always seem to find out more about each child everyday as they learn and interact. Will let you know tomorrow how it goes!
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